Things Not to Do in Child Rearing
1. Lying
Lying to children is so common in our culture that it’s often not even recognized as lying. Listing all examples would fill this article, but a few key ones can illustrate the point.
Putting Children to Bed :
Instead of writing a soothing bedtime ritual by reading prayers like Mu’awwidhatayn and Ayat al-Kursi to the child, telling the child that angels shall stand guard, watching over and protecting them until the morning, we instead threaten them with scary stories that some witch or monster is going to come and get them. This is besides lying, another undue form of fear that may haunt a child forever.
Getting Out Excuses :
You tell a child that you’re going to get an injection or visit the doctor when all you want is to leave them behind at home. This can create an irrational fear of doctors.
Lying Promises :
You deceive a child into coming toward you by holding up candy in your hand, or promise you are going to buy them something that you know you will never buy. You show children that lying is acceptable.
Feeding Deception:
Feeding potato chips to children who refuse to eat and then stealthily popping a bit of food into their mouths is a deception technique. Once, during a visit to Pakistan, I had taken my three-year-old Ahmed to the place of a host who was particularly surprised when I openly mixed water into a glass of cola for Ahmed. “You did that in front of him?” they asked. “We usually mix it secretly.”
Taking Things Away from Them :
When the baby is playing with something, snatch it from him and say that the bird has taken it. On some occasions, you may need to remove something because of safety concern; in this case, explain it clearly: “This can break or hurt you, so Mama can’t let you have it.”
Discouraging Lies :
Ironically, most of us discourage lies by lying that their tongue will turn black if they lie. He should emphasize that Allah loves the truthful and assure him that he will not be scolded for telling the truth. Often children lie to avoid punishment, so make it a rule never to scold them for telling the truth. Gently explain to him or her the mistake and appreciate their honesty.
Idle Threats and Promises:
Threats to punish or promises to reward that are unrealistic or impossible to enforce erode trust. For example, “Stop crying or I’ll buy you a whole box of chocolates” or “I’ll never take you along again” when it’s impractical or you won’t do so.
2. Name-Calling
It’s a part of our culture to lovingly call little children “naughty” or “dirty.” So why don’t we use some positive expressions like “my good boy” or “my sweet girl”? It is even worse when some people use the term “little devil.” The devil is cursed and away from the mercy of Allah. It’s better to say “mischievous.”.
As children grow older, this name-calling can continue and often in front of others. To repeatedly hear such comments shapes their self-perception. Studies have documented that children carry these labels with them and act accordingly. Statements like “You’re so slow” or “Look how smart your sister is” create everlasting impressions on their young minds. Focus on highlighting all their positive traits, instead.
3. Comparisons
Every child is unique, with his own temperament, likes, and speed of learning. One may be extroverted, while another may be introverted; one may have a liking for math, while another may excel in drawing. Accept every child’s strengths and never compare; double comparisons instill a streak of competitiveness and jealousy among siblings.
Conclusion:
Among the biggest tasks of being a parent today is raising children. No lying, no calling by bad names, no comparisons create a positive and nurturing environment for a child. The understanding and respect for his or her personality develop self-esteem and motivate him or her toward finding and developing their strengths. Our approach toward our children at this very young age impacts them for the rest of their lives; thus,
let us guide them honestly, lovingly, and respectfully.
